my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
