i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
