I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
