I looked at my own cervix.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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