i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
