If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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