Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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