thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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