i will never coherently bang her
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
