matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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