a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
