i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
