Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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