On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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