guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
