walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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