I cockslap morals
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize