why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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