Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
