Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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