Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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