He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
