So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
