1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
not ubering you a puppy
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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