clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
