I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
