"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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