I need to stop coming to work sober
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
