I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My cat gives me a boner
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
