I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
