Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize