Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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