I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
