Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Two words: blizzard sex
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize