Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
