you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
