so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize