I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
