i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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