I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
