you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
