He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
