my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
