Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
