hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
