What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
