If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
