i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
