Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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