my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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