I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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