when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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