Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
