Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
