just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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