i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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