those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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