all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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