you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
it was like eating out sand paper
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
